Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Top Five Ways Chapas Make Me Want to Overturn Tables in Rage

One would think that by now I’d be used to the unpredictability of riding in a chapa. I mean, seriously, it’s been almost two years now of traveling in such a cramped vehicle (which very closely resembles the outside of the Ninja Turtle van by the way). From Maputo to Maxixe, from Maxixe to Chonguene to Chibuto, from Maputo to Quissico, the inconveniences often come up seemingly at the worst time possible. And of course, as these things happen, I almost always find my patience pressed to the breaking point.

That being said, in my hopes to better share another piece of my Mozambican experience with the 4 or 5 people that follow this blog, I have created the following short list: The Top Five Ways Chapas Make Me Want to Overturn Tables in Rage.

And so without further ado…

5) Break Downs- Less frequent that I initially imagined, breakdowns still happen more often that I’d like and during some of the worst times at that. You might ask, what’s bad timing in a country as reserved about schedules and deadlines as Mozambique? I answer: Needing to go to the market to buy food for dinner, but having your chapa break down and ensure that you won’t arrive home until way after the market’s closed. How about the very fact that the car breaks down for a few hours, forcing you into the undesired situation of traveling at night? Whatever the case, it’s almost worth the inconvenience sometimes just to see how a Mozambican driver manages to MacGuyver the engine into working with a hammer, some water, and some wire…

4) Cramped Space- Rows of seats in chapas fit three comfortably, but here in Moz we like to roll with four. It may be a little cramped, but hey, it’s another three to four people’s chapa money for the driver and his cobrador. Why not, right? In fact, let’s up the ante a little bit and add people on laps, people standing, people crouching, etc. There. Uncomfortable and unsafe. That’s the way we like our chapas.

It’s a beautiful thing indeed when a local chapa goes down the road with people’s backs and butts and arms pressed hard against the window. I swear, it’s an even better sight when the door opens, 10 people come out and the chapa still looks full.

3) Getting Ripped Off- There often seems to be two kinds of prices in Mozambique depending on where one goes: the price for Mozambicans and the price for foreigners; or Mulungos, as we’re called in this province. In chapas, the Mulungo rule (as I like to call it) applies moreso than in most places as cobradores (the guys who take the money) try to charge us 50 or even 100 over the usual price for a given trip.

Just the other day a cobrador tried to charge me 250 for a trip that should have been at most 200 meticais. I promptly called him out for lying to me, argued with him for a good ten minutes, and paid him his 200 meticais. If you’re struggling, then of course you can ask me politely and I will cheerfully oblige. But don’t you ever dare disrespect me, especially in front of a busload of people that also know the right price.

2) Crazy Driving- Chapa drivers notoriously are very bad drivers, swerving around and trying to pass people while going up hills and remaining unaware to the possibility of oncoming traffic. Meanwhile, PCV’s will swear that drivers are trying to hit people, which if you’ve read one of my older blogs you know that does indeed happen. And even if someone doesn’t get hit, there are so many close calls. I myself have gotten clipped by chapa mirrors a few different times and believe you me, it’s extremely infuriating.

Now imagine being on the inside of the car. PCV’s have another joke about how they like the front passenger seat since it’s the only spot in the car with so much room, but don’t always know if it’s worth the view of all of the chapa driver’s close calls. We almost hit somebody! Why are we trying to swerve through oncoming traffic?! Loook ouuttt!!!!! Honestly, sometimes it’s almost like they’d learned to drive in cooking school.

And finally…

Drumroll please… Thanks…

CYMBAL CRASH!!

1) Constant Stops/Waiting for the Chapa to Fill up- The thing about chapas is that they don’t run on time like buses do in the states. Everybody simply waits around until the car fills up, be it 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, or (gasp) a three-hour-wait! Then, when the car is finally filled up, if I’m not already frustrated about the long wait, our chapa driver has decided to stop every 5 seconds. ‘Welp, it looks like we can fit that family of 5 on the side of the road with their 20 bags. Let’s stop.’ ‘Yeah well my friend asked me to pick up his lumber which he strategically hid every 100 meters behind some trees.’ (Lol… that last one is a true story.). Please Senhor Chapa Driver, can you please not make this 45 minute trip take 2 hours?! Thanks…

Well, there you have it gang, the unfiltered truth about chapas. I hope you enjoyed it. We’ve shared some laughs, looked back on some dark moments, and hopefully learned something about ourselves, whatever that may be…